The perfect present
Today is my wife’s birthday.
I wanted to get her something super awesome as a gift, but we have children, so we don’t have any money.
But I’ve always heard that when it comes to gifts, “It’s the thought that counts.” So, I gave it some thought, and if money was no object, here are some things I might get her:
- A new car. One with three rows and butt warmers in the seats. It would have a CD player that works and a plug for her iPod. Also, it wouldn’t smell faintly of children’s shoes, baby wipes, and applesauce residue, and I’d probably put some of those stick-figure family stickers on the back window. BECAUSE WE’RE CLASSY.
- A diamond plated phone case. For two reasons. First, because it would look blingtastic, and what lady wouldn’t love that? Diamonds are a girl’s best friend (if you don’t count her actual friends). Second, because diamond is the hardest substance on the planet, and Liz drops her phone constantly.If you didn’t know better and just watched her for a day, you’d think her hands were covered with bacon grease and her phone case was made out of warm butter.
- Some bacon grease and warm butter. Just kidding.
- Vacations. We would travel the world, and visit exotic locations. Places like Wisconsin and Corpus Christi. Or wherever she wanted to go. Point is, the earth is huge, and we’ve probably seen less than .001% of it, so I’d take her to places where we could eat fancy food, and drink umbrella-garnished beverages, then come home and start stories with phrases like, “We were drinking merlot on a balcony in Tuscany…”
Instead, I got her a card and a fancy drink machine. Maybe next year, babe.
What’s the best gift you’ve ever given and/or received?